dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
