Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
