we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
