I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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