i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
