I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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