garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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