Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
