my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
