Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
