just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
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Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
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I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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