I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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