We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
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no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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