I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
