when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
