he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
