Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
