1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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