Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I look better un-naked...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
