It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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