I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
