we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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