there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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