Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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