He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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