I will die if light touches me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
