You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
