Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
