I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
