We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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