He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
