And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
