So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
