He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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