Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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