Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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