She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
