Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
