The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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