I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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