I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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