he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
