Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
