You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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