My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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