Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize