There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
