If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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