yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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