My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
