Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
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