remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
