The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
