In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
