I wish my penis had an off switch
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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