Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
