I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
