i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
