I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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