Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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