Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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