I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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