My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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