I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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