someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
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Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..