Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Boobs speak an international language.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.